poem : 06/07/?

moments is all i'll ever need
is a moment
sweetful endless dream
with you and me
a moment is all that this can be

Stick and Tired

ARE YOU SICK AND TIRED OF STUPID PEOPLE.....

DO YOU WISH THEY'D JUST SHUT THEIR WASTE TRAPS.....

WELL.....

GOOD CAUSE NOW U KNOW HOW I FEEL HANGIN WIV U ALL DAY....

diary moment: 27/02/09

So apparently I am yet again mending my ways....
.......okay that's it, this is about all the heartful crap I can squeeze out of myself today.....
..hard work hard work....

diary moment: 18/10/07

I just had a lot of thoughts and as soon as I get this frickin book out they all seem to go away and disappear into empty mindless fragments. it feels like i'm within a web which is within a web and I keep trying to make it right even though it was bloody wrong to begin with in the first place, and I seem to be getting more and more wrong
more and more regretful.
Again i realized i always end up feeling shitty on my birthday
.......regret's a bitch .......

diary moment: ??/10/07

i think i finally realized what i want, thanks to the help froma certain person, a friend. i think, NO, i know! that i dont want to be in a relationship.
I wanted a closeness but this can't be found in a bf/gf scenero. i just want someone to talk to and its seems lately i have a lot of new interesting people in my life and i feel like thats enough.
i'm satisfied, but i still leave his space empty maybe it's not that i dont can't to move on and fill that space with someone new but because i don't want to.
not now.
i need to get my head together. find my goals. i just want to learn how to be a person and not have to wake up with regret each day.
just to feel nothing but calm, be average. ... to be average is outstanding.

diary moment: ?/?/?

this is the time this is the hour to make something
to do something
this is the place this the country to start new
to erase & leave behind what's stored up in your mind.

Don't Touch Me 5 things

All She remembers are these things

1. He had a little white dog, that liked to jump around a lot, it was a little scotty and his name was rusty.
2. He always had this smile on his face , a calm smile, relax , kind , peaceful ...always the same smile even when he crawled into my bed.
3. he liked to play cards, They played cards all night ......strip poker
4. He had rough hands and strong ones too and he wore a leather belt, the good leather with a cowboy like buckle a heavy silver buckle. it made a loud snap when you whipped it
5. He asked her if she wanted a drink of fanta, in a calm, pleasant manner as if nothing happened.

So She tried to believe it didn't, that he didn't , that he wouldn't , that noone would do something so cruel to a child. She was just only 6 years old, because its cruel in so many countless ways but for her the most cruel way of all that had effect her and burned a unhealing hole in her spirit was...

because at the time she didn't know it was bad but all she knew was what she felt and she felt dirty right down into her bones. Yet as the years went by and she grew older and began her education her development as a young mature lady. Being taught in school the rights and wrongs of the real world, being introduced and taught the understanding of the mature and basic knowledge.

She knew now how bad it really was what had happened to her so long ago and from just feeling dirty she now felt a whole new world of shame. Such a shame it felt as if it had rotten all over her skin and that were ever she was it left behind a vomiting scent in tracks. Rotten right down to the core so that she now hides deeply what burns inside of her,

You see the thing is he didn't just touch her. If was as if he had reached inside of her body and riped clean out her soul from her. Leaving her forever broken and mentally twisted for what she closes and locks down deep is not shame of the secrets or of the abuse.

But however just the sheer shame of the simple fact that behind those chained locked doors of her heart.

There is in fact nothing.

Nothing is the shame , her shame that truly the real her is empty and she wants it back so bad just to feel human and respected by if not anyone at herself. She longs for day she finds herself but sadly even though the hope strong in her. She knows that really its never going to happen and that sadly, her soul is forever taken by him and thrown away.

And now that i hide what must only been seen inside

for thoses to see for what i hide inside was and is now the the corspe of the young girl

who's heart died

now what lays on the surface is only merely

just sweet memory lies.